How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
