I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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