So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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