I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Randomize
