the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
