I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
