i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
