I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So much rum. So many feels.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
