my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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