ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
