Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
