The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
