so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
