I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
