I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
ttyl tear gas
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
