Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
