dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
