When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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