My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
As shirtless as possible
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
