2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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