We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
