Ambien. No doubt about it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
