I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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