i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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