Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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