got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
