Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
