I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
