capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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