So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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