He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
