i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
