I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
