Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
