Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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