Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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