just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
