You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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