My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Enjoy the penises
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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