How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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