Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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