Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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