She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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