Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
