I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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