Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
