Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
