So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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