in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
