I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
