I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
