K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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