I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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