Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
