Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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