I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize