Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
