some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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