this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
